愛しさの糧

i thought that what we’ve been through would make us stronger, together~ seeing friends break up before our eyes made me, at least, feel that i would do anything to prevent such things from happening to us.

sadly it still did, i feel so torn apart. and i feel my heartache with every beat, as soon as you mentioned those hurtful words. i know i’m not perfect, you should’ve accepted me the way i was. i accepted your flaws, all of it.

i loved you too much, i really can’t live without you anymore. I’m finding means and ways to console myself but to no avail. i would go to places which we’ve been to before, i’d cry my heart out with every memory i recall, hoping that everything would turn numb.

i told my friends that you were “my other half”, and that my life was so blissful, it’s not about spending too much money on you, its the smile and love i yearn to see & feel so much. your words, “thanks dear~” meant alot to me, it made me feel fulfilled. These are the things that i want to do, you shouldn’t have felt indebted to me at all.

i don’t want you to leave, but i am very tired of begging you to come back everytime this happens. the tears, the hurt, the disappointment, the pride… i decided that if you’d really wanted to go i shouldn’t force you to stay anymore. after all, i promised that i wouldn’t restrict you and your decisions before.

i still love you, honestly. but know that i loved you enough to let you go and i would rather be the one who bears all the pain. I cry to sleep, and wake up in the middle of the night, hugging our darling domos, crying again.

sometimes i would imagine domo saying, “mummy! don’t cry~” like you would and it’s just too much to take. my heart hurts, it really does, physically. A heart is like a glass; Once broken it shatters into many pieces; You hurt yourself picking the sharp fragments up; And time flies piecing back the 3 dimensional jigsaw puzzle; Fill it up with life and it still leaks thru the nooks and crannies; i would rather not have a heart anymore.

 i honestly want to harm myself, for doing things that i did. for making you mad, for troubling your friends and your parents and causing hurt to anyone because of you. i feel guilty.

i’ve just pierced my ear, actually i re-pierced it, and stuffed a super thick ear stud through. the pain will last for a few days i hope it’s enough.

Spend my night baby sitting a bunch of kids whose going to grow up thinking clubbing is about waving lightsticks around, siewmai for boobs and chopsticks for legs, humping motion equates to dancing and rubbish club remix.

cute cousins!

You know, we aren’t negative about our YOG. We just can’t be bothered.

What we are currently facing, is the product of a decade of spoon fed, controlled and manufactured growth with our sports identity. Gone were the hay days of Fandi Ahmad and the Singapore Lions, gone is the pride of a nation into sports. A complete lack of publicity by the local media is a partial blame, but the problems are that when you dig deep into our Table Tennis wins, and roughly every win or achievement we had, it was held by foreigners. What really contributes to the apathy is purely from how the current generation grew, and how the previous generation wasn’t breed (or groomed by local media) to feel pride of a win by a foreign ‘devil’. Is it racist?

No. Read on for why.

Should we have a problem with that? Is it racist to not support a foreign alien playing for our nation of Singapore? Well my thesis is that its unintentional, and a flock theory that worked pretty well with segregation of our local races already.

Notice how Little India, Bedok, Kampong Glam and Chinatown, even the heartlands like Serangoon, Chua Chu Kang and Tampines seemingly have a certain disparity, a concentration of a certain race. It is not racist, it is just human nature that we rather mix with the same race, because it benefits ecologically and socially; people tend to mix with people who share the same language, skin color or ideology. To force people to mix, in the end would show very little result as people would just find others of the same race and merge back into the populous. Citing just 5-10 articles of inter-racial marriages does nothing to contend with the fact that you have more friends of the same race than of the other races. In blunt terms, if you are Chinese, you probably have a lot more Chinese friends than Malay or Indians, and your probability of befriending or marrying a Chinese is more likely than with another race; do you feel comfortable adapting to your spouse’s different religion, even if it means to modify your schedule or change certain customs?

To put this into context of foreign nationals playing for us; by the mere mention of “foreign”, we already associated ourselves to be inadequate and not as skilled as them, because of merely the attitude that there is not enough news of real, Singapore-made Singaporeans that are achieving like them. The lack of balance in reporting of these people have made us sub-consciously not want to support them. If you knew that Mr. X is a Singaporean and plays Olympic bowling, tendency is that you rather support him, rather than Mrs. Y, a Chinese National playing for Singapore, who plays a mean game of Basketball. The politically correct behavior is to cite me unfair, and that you would vehemently support either because they are playing for Singapore. But would you?

We do politically correctly say yes, they are athletes of a different nation playing for us, but the manufactured wins and pride and over-dependence on Singapore’s Pro-Foreigner policy have reared a slight contempt among locals: Do we support these people who have made it harder and more competitive on local soil? Why should I support someone who can take my job away? Even if the youths aren’t foreigners in the ultimate end, living in a world described above, makes most of us cynics.

Now comes my point about how we are grown and breed. Lesser and lesser Singaporeans (especially youths) are being told to dream of being a sport star, and to dream of money and surviving. A 1st World Country, have citizens thinking nothing but money, rather than personal freedom. Our Education is an awesome path of drilling that Human Resource in Singapore is important, and that language is the only way of getting into a good school for another certificate, or Maths and Science is absolute and imperative for further studies into a College of your choice. Where is the celebration and glory of victories of Singapore? Why are the people, last minute forced into cohering into supporting the YOG? Why are students suddenly forced and recruited into support? Its a “Red” ideology common in Communist History, that people are forced to be happy for the state, and as much as I find Communism to be one step away from the Common Utopia, history in textbooks have taught us that Communism didn’t work because in the end people want personal freedoms; And though Singapore does have some personal freedom over your own finances, and that the true blood volunteers are trying their very best to make this international event a success, the sad apathetic majority just doesn’t care, and is educated enough to see through this horrible attempt to marshal support.

Don’t get me wrong, a quick glance at my Facebook shows that a number of people ARE interested in YOG, and most of them are genuinely keen on supporting whatever soccer team and blah that Singapore has. What I’m talking about are the “volunteers” forced by local control, with unnecessary and dystopia-like handling of our human resource, a generation of manufactured growth does not behave as spontaneously as one might expect. The government wanted to put its hands and feet into every single aspect of our lives to make it more desirable and comfortable, but to indirectly punish us for having dreams that do not contribute to the economy with NS taking away most of the local talent, rising cost of living causing us logicians to stop thinking about dreams and more about money and papers; Getting businessmen and bussinesswomen to rise up with fist punching into the greater sky, shouting and cheering for a bunch of sweaty sport-type of people, is going to be leading the horse to water, shot it in the head, and dip its limp mouth into water, and telling it to drink.

But probably the nails for the coffin comes from the utter lack of support of the local media. Read back the years and look for any time it reported about local athletes winning anything other than boating (somehow dragon boating is a popular sport in Singapore on light researching) and you can tell the contrast immediately. Again, citing just a few articles won’t change the fact that for the rest of the years local media have not publicized sports at all, unless it is the S. League for betters and whatever European-based Football League for TV networks. And now when the YOG comes rolling around, again, even the few weeks before it started there was almost zero support of the athletes preparing for the events, and only when it starts, suddenly all focus is on them athletes whose name I can’t bloody name at all because of poor, rushed, and not-publicized-enough reporting.

All these come together to form a pool of mostly apathetic, but a more aptly description would be that we were breed to not bother. And before I pin the blame on the government, question yourself: Is YOG a government-sponsored, or government run? Are you the slightest bit embarrassed of the empty seats, or are you bemused or disappointed?

Had we have the chance to dream, and not having the greater good to keep telling us that our favorite color is red, we could’ve made an excellent baseball club.

I would rather be a Deist (not Atheist) than belong in any religion.

one step closer to world peace.

OMG,

Jen and Walton’s baby is so cute!!! and its really sweet for Walton to post up stories of their baby’s everyday life! ^^

Welcome to the world baby Alyssa :D

Walton should be super proud of both of them;

Jen for pulling this off without the need for pain killers, thus withstanding all the pain and joy of giving birth.

Baby Alyssa for developing so beautifully in her mommy’s womb~

Everything’s so heart warming! <3

Congratulations to Walton and Jennifer on the birth of their first child!

Another person who’ve just received his baby girl ‘Lovelie’ is J-Rock’s Miyavi.

It was really nice to see a subtle side of him in his blog~

uber surprised!

=) many happy beginnings this month!

Everything Ben advised has been spot on… i guess, i really need to know how a guy’s mindset is like.

learning as i pursue,

past is past and what matters most it that we learn from our mistakes.

words are words but words without expression can be hazardous.

time is precious so i gotta cherish every moment and make the most out of it.

independence is crucial as everyone needs their personal spaces.

love doesn’t just happen & it’s one of the support beams in life.

sacrifices are inevitable, one must change to accommodate another and it is willed by choice.

tolerance and patience, vital in every relationship cos we must progress together without leaving the other party behind.

happiness is a trophy. when both sides are, everything’s good.

I’m lacking in alot of areas. =(

after talking to Ben Siew, i feel that i’ve understood your character more.

there were good points and bad points but i’m okay with it all.

things like “he may not be the best lover, but he makes a good husband and a good father.”

things like guys tend to read between the lines. so the more complicated things get, the more lines they read in between. then they assume the worst possibility and settle on that thought.

also, about telling me things like “you always complain.” its telling me directly about things he don’t like and expects me to change.

I do not know how true these are, but he did mention that it’s hard for me because although i have things i want to say, i’m afraid to voice them out because i’ve been hurt and am afraid of the worst that could happen… and i know that i’ve hurt him countless times~ just know that i’m really sorry for putting you through rough times.

but i know why, it’s because i truly love ray and i know that he feels the same way. its just that perhaps its too much to absorb in 1 squabble.i’m working on it, still am.

out of everything he told me, this one positive statement just made me feel a whole lot better.

“It’s natural for couples to fight. As long as each party knows why they’re fighting - to make the best out of their relationship. Quarreling is a form or a way to show the other party what needs to be done to improve the relationship. A way of communicating with each other, to get used to each other so that in future, both parties can adapt to each other’s needs and stop fighting altogether. No couple can immediately adjust to one another, cos a relationship takes nurturing and effort. They will at least talk, if not quarrel. This will strengthen the bond.”

and ‘hope’ is a fucking dangerous word to use in a relationship.

I believe it works both ways, but i really ought to thank my boyfriend for all the effort he’s put in to make this work. I do not want to see this go to waste. <3

i really feel like slamming my fists against a wall.

after our argument today, i talked to Ben Siew about it and he said “aiyo girl girl! your messages like that will make even the most cool-headed or oblivious man say things that ray did”

slammed; I know its me, but ray doesn’t want me to blame myself, so i blame Pauline because everytime someone talks positively about our rship, we tend to quarrel on that day itself.

Pauline asked me yesterday, “Diana, you got confidence in your relationship le right? like its the last last last time already.” den i just said, “i have the confidence.”

Maybe i have my exuding confidence to blame, nono i think it’s Pauline, yes, it’s her.

i feel lousy, i really do.

I can’t even pick myself up even when i’ve been beaten down. Instead i have to rely on someone else to help me cover up my blunders. That’s just lame…

“Dont be like that” you say, but i just can’t stop feeling negative because even the vibes tell me that i’m not doing things right.

Yes, for the past week i’ve been sending you home, to and from work. The week before i’ve been buying you dinner and staying over at your place too often, its too much you can’t handle it.

I will not pester you everyday, i will not text u so much so you wouldn’t have to keep looking at your phone, i will not ask you out everyweekend, i will not stay over too often, i will not stop you from hanging out with your friends.

I will take a step back.

I have compromised time with my family so as to help you during your time of need, and even though family is important, i kept my word when i said that i put you above all else. I hope you remembered.

All i can do is to adjust myself to your ways, for you, for us <3

Let’s be happy, my love.